I’ll be honest, I haven’t gotten a lot of writing done this week. Not for lack of trying though, more because I’ve been too much in my head. There are some people close to me who don’t really believe in me, that I’ll succeed, and often advise me to pursue other interests or go for a more practical field. I’ve been feeling some insecurity and uncertainty. Not just because of the haters of course, but because I don’t know if I’m “good enough.” Whatever that means.
This is something I don’t talk about very much. My first semester at university (after I got my AA at a local college), I tried to appease the people that matter to me and go for a degree in Resort and Hospitality Management, a subcategory of business. Something practical. Easy to get a job after college. Good pay and benefits eventually.
I hated it.
Every day was worse and worse, I had no passion or joy. My family doesn’t even know how bad it got. I stopped reading for enjoyment, I didn’t go out, I had a hard time motivating myself to get out of bed in the mornings, sometimes I actually couldn’t. Like it was physically impossible. I’d go two or three days without eating, not to intentionally starve myself, but because I had no appetite at all.
Most people talk about the freshman 15, gaining weight during your first year of university. I lost weight. Quite a bit of it. It was hard to hide from the people I care about. Sometimes I would accidentally go overboard with the layers and illusion and they’d think that I had gained weight. I even started seeing a therapist (which was very helpful in a lot of ways).
That’s when I decided to switch my major. Making people proud of me isn’t worth the sacrifice to my mental, emotional, or physical health. It wasn’t just the classes that were affecting me, there were other things as well. I was burned out from taking on too much for too long, I quit doing things I enjoyed, and I was in a new place. I didn’t really have many friends.
I turned this all around though, I changed my diet along with my major. I met a girl around the same age as me, very smart, and we became great buddies. This summer I also took a much-needed break. I didn’t work too much, I didn’t take any summer classes, and I took the time for important things. Reconnecting with some out-of-town friends, spending time with family, spending time with myself, resting, relaxing, reading especially. It’s been very good for me. I feel really refreshed and ready to take on the upcoming semester with enthusiasm and confidence.
The reason I say all of this is because I still feel uncertain or insecure at times. Writing is not the easiest profession. I knew that going into it. And it doesn’t make it easier when I know that some people very close to me have no confidence in my ability to succeed. In spite of that, I got through a lot of emotional tough spots, and not just the two school terms of depression (and I really do not exaggerate with that, I’m not just throwing that word around. It was, luckily, a temporary thing). I got through it. It wasn’t easy, it took a lot of work, and I ended up putting some strain on my family relationships, but I did try their way. It just didn’t work. I have to do right by me.
And it also helped me figure out what I’m made of. If I can get through that kind of struggle, then I can face a little uncertainty and a bit of insecurity. My writing may not be the greatest thing ever, but I give my 100% on content, then go back and revise the details and grammar. I make it better and better. Because it is my passion. And I refuse to let anything, including myself, get in the way of that again. Until next week my lovelies, I bid you adieu!
P.S.: Next week I will FOR SURE include an excerpt from chapter four.